Thats all for now

Dear Reader

This blog will now pause for an undetermined amount of time as the writer gathers his wits and his heart off the floor.

It may be back someday, but not here.

Six Flags

Roller Coasters... My life is a Roller Coaster. Everything here is kids' stuff.

Jealousy

She was visiting a friend tonight. I haven't seen her since Sunday, and tonight someone else will enjoy the pleasure of her company.

I don't know much about this friend, only that she met him in New York, and that he is from Israel. In my mind I see a dashing young Israeli with type typical bravado and self confidence. Maybe they are on a date. Maybe they will embrace. Maybe she will kiss him. Maybe.

I find myself jealous of this unknown person. I have no right to be but I cannot help it. The emotion wasn't anger, wasn't rage, wasn't anxiety. It was sadness. I've resolved to lose her and this was as good of a cause as any.

Tonight I had a language lesson with my new friend. He is a pilot and lover of languages. He taught me some beginning Hebrew, in return, I converse with him in Mandarin. He knew my mission and tailored my lesson as such. After one hour of Hebrew and one of Mandarin, I felt more despair. How will I ever learn this language enough to make her feel at home?

Then the storm clouds parted to reveal a single ray of sunshine. She texted me.

"How was the lesson?" she asked.

My heart soared! There is some hope! She thought of me! I have survived the night. she may be with another, but somewhere in her mind I still exist.

Maybe she still cares for me. I escape another death.

Out of surgery

Dad is ok. Out of surgery.

Sent from my iPhone

Quadruple Bypass

My dad is going for a quad bypass surgery tomorrow. I'm not worried about him as much as about my future.

My heart is sinking

Purgatory is the place between death and the afterlife. If you believe in such things, it is where souls spend time purifying itself before ascending to heaven or descending to hell.

Today I entered my own purgatory.

It is the slow writhing dismemberment of our relationship. It is too early to mourn, but too late for any hope of recovery. I feel my heart at the pit of my stomach, my eyes half closed, and all the features on my face succumbing to gravity.

I forced a smile while I visited my roommates at the hospital. The proud happy parents gaze upon their child, welcoming their future. For now I have no such future. I only have the passage of time.

There will be other loves, other heartbreaks but not at this moment. Now there is only sadness, only loneliness. I started the chain of events that will eventually set her free but bury me in despair. I lied to her. I told her everything will be ok when she goes. I want her to be happy, and to be guilt free. For that, the price is for me to silently swallow the bitterness.

She replied to my email with soothing words. The words were crafted to soften the blow. Manufactured glimmers of false hope sprinkled in the Dear John.

I will construct a smile from memory. I hope my eyes will not give away that all which remains is a shell of me. She'll believe me when I tell her that I'll be fine if this lump in my throat doesn't get in the way.

I know what I want. I want her to stay.

The ferris wheel only goes around twice

Today was her birthday and we spent the day at Coney Island.

Freak show, Ferris Wheel, and Thunderbolt ride was not enough to close the mile of space between us.

I wanted her to smile on her birthday, but I could tell that she was not comfortable. I know I'm the cause of that. It's really not fair for her to be uncomfortable on her birthday. She enjoyed the Thunderbolt most, I came in at a distant last.

I won a stuffed rat for her. She joked that it has my hair and her nose.

So tonight I composed an email for her. It is my last ditch effort to buy more time.

=======

Ever since you asked me the question of what I want, I've been

struggling to put it into words. I really wanted to write a beautiful

email that expresses what I want. But nothing came out.

I can't describe it in any sort of clarity. I don't really know. But I

do know that I felt it before. The first time was when we stood in the

rain, holding each other. The second time was during our first kiss.

I am well aware of the risk I take in expressing these desires. I am

not ashamed to tell you that I when I see you I fantasize about the

warmth of your body touching mine. When we embraced tonight, I can

feel the curvature of your body, the softness of your skin and I can

still smell your hair.

Writing about this makes me feel selfish. These thoughts are generally

reserved for my blog. But you asked me a question, and you deserve an

honest answer.

I know all this freaks you out and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for being the cause of the distance between us.

But I am honest about what I expect.

I expect nothing. Spending time with you has brought me a lot of joy.

And if you want to stop seeing me, I will have no regrets, and I will

be thankful to you for allowing me to share your time. I feel lucky

that you chose to spend your birthday with me. I was happy to see your

smile.

I don't want you to worry about me. You should feel comfortable with

whatever you want for this relationship. I will respect your wishes.

If I am making you uncomfortable, then I want you to tell me and I'll

walk away.

I treat every minute you spend with me as a gift. I will never make

any demands, and there are never any expectations. I will take as much

or as little as you wish to give me but you should not feel pressured

to accept what I offer.

You have already given me more than I've ever expected. I am forever grateful.

Yom Huledet Same'ach

Baby!

My roommates txt'd me at 6:16am.

"Miracle baby...she is soooo beautiful. Jenn got a cecerian. She is fine. Sky is 7.93lb we are at the hospital where Jenn will be fore next 4 days to recover"

Happy Birthday to you

Today is her birthday.

"I hope I'm not freaking you out but I missed you and I can't wait to see you. Your smile makes me forget everything else"

"Im not freaking out... Im happy"

So am I. This is the best birthday present I received, on anyone's birthday.

If Tomorrow Never Comes

Late night web surfing brought me to see Kevin Skinner on America's got talent.

While I watched this incredible performance, I experienced a clear deja vu moment. There are tons of explanations for how/why this happens, but that's not what drove me to write this down.

What drove me to write was the song he sang. I had not heard of the song before although I would only admit anonymously that I enjoy Garth Brooks.

Here are the lyrics:

Sometimes late at night

I lie awake and watch her sleeping

Shes lost in peaceful dreams

So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark

And the thought crosses my mind

If I never wake up in the morning

Would she ever doubt the way I feel

About her in my heart

If tomorrow never comes

Will she know how much I loved her

Did I try in every way to show her every day

That shes my only one

And if my time on earth were through

And she must face the world without me

Is the love I gave her in the past

Gonna be enough to last

If tomorrow never comes

cause Ive lost loved ones in my life

Who never knew how much I loved them

Now I live with the regret

That my true feelings for them never were revealed

So I made a promise to myself

To say each day how much she means to me

And avoid that circumstance

Where theres no second chance to tell her how I feel

These lyrics hits home for me in a very special way. Of course the words and feelings expressed are universal. But I live these words every day.

The thought of tomorrow never arriving for me is a reality. My life is rather delicate. On May 22, 2007 I nearly lost it. I am alive today but for how long? I'm 37, far from old for the average person. But I'm not average.

I want to tell her my true feelings, but if I do, I will lose her. There are no second chances, but I don't know if I will ever get my first.

I already forget how I used to feel about you

Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind

I'm about to watch this movie on Netflix. The summary intrigued me. It asks the question if the initial attraction between two people are circumstantial or is it repeatable. If you haven't seen the movie, it is about two people who decided to erase the memory of each other after their relationship ends. They meet again, and you can guess what happens.

Although the ending is predictable, it remains an interesting question. I don't really know her situation, but I just got out of a bad relationship. Are my feeling due to my circumstance? I like to think not. I feel something deeper.

I wish there is a procedure out there to erase memory. If she leaves me, I will want to completely forget her and for her to completely forget me. Then by some miracle, we would meet again.

iXL thanks for all the fish

Craigslist wannabe ixl hooked me up with a person to trade language
lessons. I'll forgive them for not wanting to hire me.

Spoke to Bernie my new language partner. Sounds like an older
gentleman who has lived in Israel.

I'm psyched!

Sent from my iPhone

Don't make me freak out

Look at my tiny umbrella! Look at these ugly shoes! I'm late for my rendezvous with a beautiful lady, I hope she likes my pants.

"I miss you." Lean to the left.

"I don't want to be yours." Lean to the right.

"I thought about you all day." Left again.

"I'm freaking out!" Arms out-stretched, struggling for balance.

"But I really like you." Regained composure.

I balance on a thin line between desire and being pushed away, all the while tiptoeing to the end of the line. The line is short and yet I have no idea what it's secured to. I do three shows a day for an audience of one. Sometimes she laughs, sometimes she cries, sometimes she doesn't say a word and I'm too afraid to look down.

Why do I do it day after day? Because nothing is more exciting, nothing is more rewarding, and I can't turn back now. I need to see what awaits at the end of this journey.

Still high

She thinks about me... she's confused... I live to fight another day.

160 Characters

SMS is limited to 160 characters per message. I just received the best 160 characters ever written. I didn't count how many total characters in her message, but it starts with

"Yo, how come u are on my mind all day long??"

Work Work Work

Project for my full time gig is looking pretty damn good. Have to do some work for my hosting client... I tried to pass him off to someone else. I fly out on July 14 to see another big client and I need to do work for my aunt.

Geez.... too much work.

Not ok

Woke up this morning and received a message from her. Its sad and I'll survive, but the sun doesn't seem to shine as bright anymore.

Maybe she's right. I haven't known her long enough to have my heart broken.

I've always wanted a lot of space between myself and the women I date but not this time. I wake up in the morning and I think of her. It's not normal, that's all I know.

When she leaves, I'll be back to the old me.

"I started a joke, which started the whole world crying,
but I didn't see that the joke was on me, oh no.

I started to cry, which started the whole world laughing,
oh, if I'd only seen that the joke was on me."

by the Bee Gees in 1968

Despite how I feel, I'm sure didn't invent the concept of pain but it probably existed long before the Bee Gees.

Why Me?!

My ex emailed me today. She told me she's coming to NY on July 11th and wants to meet up for coffee or dinner. She claimed that this is not an attempt to get back together but she would appreciate some help in getting from the airport to her short term rental.

I don't see any other means than to tell her that I don't think that would be a good idea and that I'm seeing someone else.

What follows was a barrage of emails, attacking me, claiming that I'm not the person she knew. The strange thing is that she was the one who dumped me. She broke up with me! I can't say that I wasn't glad she broke up with me. I remembered breathing a sigh of relief, and thinking that it was better that way.

She asked me to send to her the things she left here. I'll do that tomorrow.

I resisted replying to any of the attacks. She ended her tirade with "One last thing: Be happy. You deserve it. I hope this other woman gives you something I was unable to."

Ugh... When I wake up in the morning, i need everything to be ok again.

I hope I get a message from Seattle. I really miss her.

I'm almost a vegetarian

I have not had red meat for one week. I don't remember ever going through an entire week without red meat. The realization came today when I thought about what I would have for dinner. My first thought was Hill Country BBQ. Delicious beef brisket, pork chops and ribs. Yum. My usual fare, and Monday is all-you-can-eat night at Hill Country. $30 for a viking's feast.

The Council of Nicea in 325 AD decreed the Season of Lent. We know it today as Good Friday. This made it a holy Christian holiday where the believers repent and make personal sacrifices to show their dedication and appreciation of the sacrifices of Christ. Of course this is completely bullshit. Lent was designed to coincide with the Pagan Spring Celebration. Emperor Constantine, an early Christian convert, figured that it would be easier to convert non-believers if the heathens still get the same day off from work.

Nevertheless, Christians celebrate Lent today by giving up pleasurable things such as meat or chocolate.

I spent a lot of time with her this week. And because she's a vegetarian, I've abstained from meat. I have been a meat fan all my life. Anyone who knows me, has seen my exploits at Churrascaias around the country. My name is on Shula's Steakhouse website for the achievement of finishing a 60 oz steak.

So tonight, with her in Seattle, I'm ready to make up for the week. As I approach the Texas-themed meat-lover's paradise, I remember her eating a giant bamboo steamer full of vegetables. If she was here right now, we would not be anywhere near this restaurant.

All of the sudden, I don't want BBQ anymore. I rather for her to be here. I would give up meat for her, not as a Christian sacrifice, but just to feel closer to her.

I walked further down the street, picked up a salad and went home.

Oh Crap

All that my mom could see was that the tiny 600sqft apartment has two rooms. That means she can visit and have a place to stay. She saw that and fell in love with it.

She didn't notice that there are no closets. Not a single closet in the apartment. The rooms are so small that after you put in a bed, there is no more room for a dresser. Nowhere to put your clothes.

She didn't notice that the floor boards were all warped and damaged. The kitchen counter top was cracked. She did touch any fixtures to see that everything was loose and recycled from previous construction.

All she saw was that she could come and stay.

In her mind this was a beautiful apartment with big bay windows. In reality, the north facing windows and the tall building blocked any light from coming in.

What can I do?

First day of my adulthood

Going to buy my first apartment. Would I out live the mortgage?

I hesitate to call it my first home. Will I be lonely there?
If I fill it with things that remind me of happy times will it make me
sad? Seems so final. I have visions of an old man shuffling down the
hallway with bags of groceries. Is it written?

Sent from my iPhone

Flashback

Kevin Smith will always remember his first ( hopefully not the last ) performance at Carnegie Hall. So will I but for different reasons. This is the night that life lead me to her. The date was June 17, 2009, the night I almost screwed it all up.

I've never been the guy to go out and find love. However, sitting at home and waiting for a beautiful woman to knock on my door proved to be rather fruitless. But it can happen. It's like watching the evening news to discover that you hit the winning lottery number.

She got my number from her mother and for whatever reason, she used it.

She's here for the summer, would like to see a friendly face.

I remember her from years back. A cute girl just out of school. I remember her smile, it was utterly charming.

"Sure, sounds great"

I've been thinking about seeing Kevin Smith at Carnegie Hall. Me and a few thousand socially inept geeks, gather to pay tribute to our conquering hero. Kevin represented us, the overweight, the undesirable, the ones that jocks pick on.

"Would you like to go see Kevin Smith with me?"

Really? She would? Must play it cool....

"Great, it's at 8pm. We can meet after I get out of work"

Really? She wants to meet for dinner? Wow, what luck! Play it cool...

Think... where to take her.... she's a vegetarian.....

"OK, we can meet at 23rd and Lexington"

Plenty of vegetarian Indian food. I hope she likes Indian.

We had a nice dinner, the conversation was lighthearted and strangely, I felt absolutely comfortable with her. Afterwards I got us completely lost trying to get to Carnegie Hall. No matter, I was happy. If I miss the performance entirely I wouldn't be bother a bit.

I wasn't sure that she would like Kevin's foul language and explicit humor. What a chance to take on a first non-date.

This wasn't a date. A date has expectations. A date ends in a kiss. A date happens when a woman express some interest after meeting a man. I've only met her briefly five year ago. She's the daughter of a close friend. I will respect that and treat her as my friend's daughter. The only problem is that I'm attracted to her.

During the entire 2.5 hour show, I stole glances to see if she is still laughing. Good. She's having a good time.

We went to a cafe afterwards. The time flew by and I was mesmerized. We chatted as if we were old friends.

When it was time to go, I wanted to walk her home. She accused me of playing into the typical gender role. In truth, I just wanted an excuse to spend more time with her.

Life imitates art, but in this case, my life was imitating every corny romantic film ever made. It started raining but we didn't have umbrellas. It was late. We were drenched. When we reached her building, I leaned in to give her a hug and a peck on the cheek.

Then I completely dropped the ball. Why didn't I learn anything from all those movies? From Fred Astaire to Ben Affleck the protagonist kisses the girl at this very crucial moment. She held on to me for what seemed an eternity but probably lasted less than a minute. But in that minute, I ran every scenario through my mind. I saw us in the embrace, lips locked, eyes closed tight, the rain streamed from my hat to her dress, her gloved hands draped around my neck, the camera pans back to reveal the street light above us, steady downpour, lightening strikes, and the scene dims to reveal the end credits.

But I didn't have the guts. I remembered who she is, and I left our embrace. She touched my face and I wanted so badly to kiss her but I could not.

That perfectly corny ending was lost because I threw it away. How could I do such a thing? I could have been the hero of every cheesy romance novel. I knew she wanted that kiss and I was sure that she would never give me another chance.

But she did... That was 10 days ago and since then she has showered me with countless kisses. Not too often you get a second chance. But I got it twice. I got a second chance at life, and now a second chance at love.

I don't know how long this will last. I hope at least until September. Soon I will have to prepare myself for the inevitable heartbreak but I will have no regrets. Even if I never see her again, I will have this memory. It's a short love story that ends tragically, but when I tell it again, I will have kissed her in the rain.

Kevin, if you are reading this, I owe you one.

What's in a kiss?

You can't fake a kiss. After much convincing, and finally insisting, she told me everything I wanted to know in a kiss.

She's leaving at 6am for Seattle. I think I've told her everything, I hope she heard me.

Somewhere in New York, an old Polish man is worried.

See you soon... This will be a long week.

What Am I To You

If I had the gift of words, this is what I would say.

"What Am I To You?"
Norah Jones

What am I to you
Tell me darling true
To me you are the sea
Vast as you can be
And deepest shade of blue

When you're feeling low
To whom else do you go
See I cry if you hurt
I'd give you my last shirt
Because I love you so

If my sky should fall
Would you even call
Opened up my heart
I never want to part
I'm giving you the ball

When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
I love you when you're blue
Tell me darlin' true
What am I to you

Yeah well if my sky should fall
Would you even call
Opened up my heart
Never wanna part
I'm giving you the ball

When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
Could you find a love in me
Could you carve me in a tree
Don't fill my heart with lies

I will you love when you're blue
Tell me darlin' true
What am I to you

Video on youtube

Skip to the end

I got a preview of the end of my relationship with her. It was a sad ending. She moves on. She doesn't want to be in love again. She doesn't think that she could. She's been hurt too many times. She wants to have a fling, but she knows that I want more than sex.

I know she's only saying this because of how she feels about living in The States. She wants to go back to her home in Tel Aviv.

The beginning of the date was casual enough. We saw "Away We Go", a movie about an expecting couple traveling around the country to find a home. When the movie ended, she left the theater and cried. That when she told me our ending.

At the end of the night, we were back in my place. We kissed but did not go much further. She had decided that to be the the limit. I was fine with that decision.

She's planning on leaving after her brother's wedding in August. I'm planning to leave as well. I have to find a place to hide with my sorrow. At least there is one night when she was mine. Tomorrow she's free to fly away again.

iPhone 3Gs battery life too short

The battery life is just not long enough. Maybe because I keep waking the phone so that I can see her photo...

Day 4

Neither one of us want to say it out loud, especially to each other. The consequences could be devastating. It can't be. This is day four.

She was gone for just a few hours, having dinner with her father and his twenty-something girlfriend. I want her to call. When we said goodbye in the subway, I worried that it would be our last. There were no indication that it would be, but still, there is always a chance that any goodbye would be the last.

One more phone call means to live another day. It's the long drag that the addict takes knowing that it is the only way to scratch this itch. Swallow the essence, hold it in until your lungs cry out, then enjoy the slow release. For a few seconds there is satisfaction, peace.

She called. Everything is fine, she wishes she could be with me now, but she needs to rest. We'll meet for breakfast. Exhale.

Tomorrow will be another day. We will look into each other's eyes and scream silently how we really feel about each other. Whatever we do, just don't say it.

No names

I feel like I'm in high school. I kissed a girl in the park. More accurately, she kissed me. It felt like we did something wrong... like the first time you cupped a feel. I'm 37 and she's 27. She could be too young for me, but that's not the cause for my concern.

I make her laugh. She finds me attractive. She thinks I'm young. She makes me feel young. We made out until a police car pulled up to us and asked us to leave the park. I'm too old to play the part in the story of young lovers hiding in the shadows. But these feelings are not what troubles me.

I think she's beautiful. She has a great laugh. I love her eyes, her smile and the way she makes me feel. I love how nervous I get when I'm around her. I want to let her know how she makes me feel. But it's not without difficulties.

What is wrong? Why do I feel like I've broken a rule? I've climbed over the wall I've erected for myself. I've tunneled out of my own prison. I desire her, and yet, I try to tell myself that my desires are lecherous.

I know you would approve. I know you would be excited. I know you would say things like "Finally, I had always wish this for her, for you." She is your daughter and you would protect her, even if to protect her from the likes of me.

Cant help people who don't get it

I've been helping a friend with her movie site. All the care in the world in coming up with a creative design doesn't help if the client doesn't get it. She's just not a visual person. The entire exercise is frustrating. I should have stayed away.

Can a person who is non-visual be a film maker? Ugh. Why do I care so much. I should learn to let people fail.

Single Sign On

If you have a web site that has about 60,000 users and maybe about 500 or so active daily, and you want those users to be able to sign into another site you own, you might consider doing single sign on.

Of course you can just copy the DB over, or write something that syncs across two databases so they share the same user table.

What do you think would be the acceptable loss? A few people with duplicate accounts? How many problems do you think you would encounter? If this was a business decision, what cost would you incur to build single sign on versus a hack?

These are all valid questions, but the biggest question that site owners do not ask themselves is this: Would the user give a shit?

Ask yourself why a user wants single sign on. Is it because they could share the same profile? Well, that doesnt seem to be the case for Open Social, Open ID or Facebook connect. So why does a user want single sign on?

I know why I want single sign on... no more accounts! I hate signing up for more accounts. Every site has a different requirement. 4 characters, 6 characters, characters and numbers, no real words, don't use your name, your initial, common names, etc. So when a site asks me to create an account, I bail. Yup, I bail. This is why single sign on is so important. It's to keep people like me from bailing.

Before you commit any capital or resource in creating another closed single sign on, ask yourself if your users would rather be able to use your universe of sites, or use their facebook, yahoo, google, aim, or open ID account to log in.

Don't worry, your ego will recover.

I had to write this down

This is why I started this blog. I realized that people convince each other of absolute bullshit and congratulate each other in their beliefs. Sometime well-meaning and smart people can be real idiots.

Someone, let's call him P.W., said to me today that the average Facebook audience is younger than our target audience, therefore, why would we want to target them?

I held my tongue. If I answered that question the way I wanted to at that moment, it would have embarrassed and probably pissed him off.

Lets say that the average age of a facebook user is 27, and we want to target a 35 year-old, does that make Facebook audience too young? Let me ask you this question: Which website has the largest number of registered 35 year-old users?

Answer? Facebook.

How about 22 year olds? Facebook.

How about 23.6 year olds? Facebook.

Get it? A site that has 100 million registered users will have the largest number of any age group. The average age of the user is meaningless! It doesnt mean that most of the users are 27. It doesn't even mean that 27 year olds are the largest age group of the site. It simply means that when you average all the ages of all the facebook users on the site, the number is 27.

Wanna target the largest group of men? Facebook.
Largest group of women? Facebook.

Just because of have a piece of static doesn't mean it can serve any purpose.

And P.W. is suppose to be a marketing expert. Good thing he is not a math expert.