Today I entered my own purgatory.
It is the slow writhing dismemberment of our relationship. It is too early to mourn, but too late for any hope of recovery. I feel my heart at the pit of my stomach, my eyes half closed, and all the features on my face succumbing to gravity.
I forced a smile while I visited my roommates at the hospital. The proud happy parents gaze upon their child, welcoming their future. For now I have no such future. I only have the passage of time.
There will be other loves, other heartbreaks but not at this moment. Now there is only sadness, only loneliness. I started the chain of events that will eventually set her free but bury me in despair. I lied to her. I told her everything will be ok when she goes. I want her to be happy, and to be guilt free. For that, the price is for me to silently swallow the bitterness.
She replied to my email with soothing words. The words were crafted to soften the blow. Manufactured glimmers of false hope sprinkled in the Dear John.
I will construct a smile from memory. I hope my eyes will not give away that all which remains is a shell of me. She'll believe me when I tell her that I'll be fine if this lump in my throat doesn't get in the way.
I know what I want. I want her to stay.
