Freak show, Ferris Wheel, and Thunderbolt ride was not enough to close the mile of space between us.
I wanted her to smile on her birthday, but I could tell that she was not comfortable. I know I'm the cause of that. It's really not fair for her to be uncomfortable on her birthday. She enjoyed the Thunderbolt most, I came in at a distant last.
I won a stuffed rat for her. She joked that it has my hair and her nose.
So tonight I composed an email for her. It is my last ditch effort to buy more time.
=======
Ever since you asked me the question of what I want, I've been
struggling to put it into words. I really wanted to write a beautiful
email that expresses what I want. But nothing came out.
I can't describe it in any sort of clarity. I don't really know. But I
do know that I felt it before. The first time was when we stood in the
rain, holding each other. The second time was during our first kiss.
I am well aware of the risk I take in expressing these desires. I am
not ashamed to tell you that I when I see you I fantasize about the
warmth of your body touching mine. When we embraced tonight, I can
feel the curvature of your body, the softness of your skin and I can
still smell your hair.
Writing about this makes me feel selfish. These thoughts are generally
reserved for my blog. But you asked me a question, and you deserve an
honest answer.
I know all this freaks you out and I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for being the cause of the distance between us.
But I am honest about what I expect.
I expect nothing. Spending time with you has brought me a lot of joy.
And if you want to stop seeing me, I will have no regrets, and I will
be thankful to you for allowing me to share your time. I feel lucky
that you chose to spend your birthday with me. I was happy to see your
smile.
I don't want you to worry about me. You should feel comfortable with
whatever you want for this relationship. I will respect your wishes.
If I am making you uncomfortable, then I want you to tell me and I'll
walk away.
I treat every minute you spend with me as a gift. I will never make
any demands, and there are never any expectations. I will take as much
or as little as you wish to give me but you should not feel pressured
to accept what I offer.
You have already given me more than I've ever expected. I am forever grateful.
Yom Huledet Same'ach
