Thats all for now

Dear Reader

This blog will now pause for an undetermined amount of time as the writer gathers his wits and his heart off the floor.

It may be back someday, but not here.

Six Flags

Roller Coasters... My life is a Roller Coaster. Everything here is kids' stuff.

Jealousy

She was visiting a friend tonight. I haven't seen her since Sunday, and tonight someone else will enjoy the pleasure of her company.

I don't know much about this friend, only that she met him in New York, and that he is from Israel. In my mind I see a dashing young Israeli with type typical bravado and self confidence. Maybe they are on a date. Maybe they will embrace. Maybe she will kiss him. Maybe.

I find myself jealous of this unknown person. I have no right to be but I cannot help it. The emotion wasn't anger, wasn't rage, wasn't anxiety. It was sadness. I've resolved to lose her and this was as good of a cause as any.

Tonight I had a language lesson with my new friend. He is a pilot and lover of languages. He taught me some beginning Hebrew, in return, I converse with him in Mandarin. He knew my mission and tailored my lesson as such. After one hour of Hebrew and one of Mandarin, I felt more despair. How will I ever learn this language enough to make her feel at home?

Then the storm clouds parted to reveal a single ray of sunshine. She texted me.

"How was the lesson?" she asked.

My heart soared! There is some hope! She thought of me! I have survived the night. she may be with another, but somewhere in her mind I still exist.

Maybe she still cares for me. I escape another death.

Out of surgery

Dad is ok. Out of surgery.

Sent from my iPhone

Quadruple Bypass

My dad is going for a quad bypass surgery tomorrow. I'm not worried about him as much as about my future.

My heart is sinking

Purgatory is the place between death and the afterlife. If you believe in such things, it is where souls spend time purifying itself before ascending to heaven or descending to hell.

Today I entered my own purgatory.

It is the slow writhing dismemberment of our relationship. It is too early to mourn, but too late for any hope of recovery. I feel my heart at the pit of my stomach, my eyes half closed, and all the features on my face succumbing to gravity.

I forced a smile while I visited my roommates at the hospital. The proud happy parents gaze upon their child, welcoming their future. For now I have no such future. I only have the passage of time.

There will be other loves, other heartbreaks but not at this moment. Now there is only sadness, only loneliness. I started the chain of events that will eventually set her free but bury me in despair. I lied to her. I told her everything will be ok when she goes. I want her to be happy, and to be guilt free. For that, the price is for me to silently swallow the bitterness.

She replied to my email with soothing words. The words were crafted to soften the blow. Manufactured glimmers of false hope sprinkled in the Dear John.

I will construct a smile from memory. I hope my eyes will not give away that all which remains is a shell of me. She'll believe me when I tell her that I'll be fine if this lump in my throat doesn't get in the way.

I know what I want. I want her to stay.

The ferris wheel only goes around twice

Today was her birthday and we spent the day at Coney Island.

Freak show, Ferris Wheel, and Thunderbolt ride was not enough to close the mile of space between us.

I wanted her to smile on her birthday, but I could tell that she was not comfortable. I know I'm the cause of that. It's really not fair for her to be uncomfortable on her birthday. She enjoyed the Thunderbolt most, I came in at a distant last.

I won a stuffed rat for her. She joked that it has my hair and her nose.

So tonight I composed an email for her. It is my last ditch effort to buy more time.

=======

Ever since you asked me the question of what I want, I've been

struggling to put it into words. I really wanted to write a beautiful

email that expresses what I want. But nothing came out.

I can't describe it in any sort of clarity. I don't really know. But I

do know that I felt it before. The first time was when we stood in the

rain, holding each other. The second time was during our first kiss.

I am well aware of the risk I take in expressing these desires. I am

not ashamed to tell you that I when I see you I fantasize about the

warmth of your body touching mine. When we embraced tonight, I can

feel the curvature of your body, the softness of your skin and I can

still smell your hair.

Writing about this makes me feel selfish. These thoughts are generally

reserved for my blog. But you asked me a question, and you deserve an

honest answer.

I know all this freaks you out and I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for being the cause of the distance between us.

But I am honest about what I expect.

I expect nothing. Spending time with you has brought me a lot of joy.

And if you want to stop seeing me, I will have no regrets, and I will

be thankful to you for allowing me to share your time. I feel lucky

that you chose to spend your birthday with me. I was happy to see your

smile.

I don't want you to worry about me. You should feel comfortable with

whatever you want for this relationship. I will respect your wishes.

If I am making you uncomfortable, then I want you to tell me and I'll

walk away.

I treat every minute you spend with me as a gift. I will never make

any demands, and there are never any expectations. I will take as much

or as little as you wish to give me but you should not feel pressured

to accept what I offer.

You have already given me more than I've ever expected. I am forever grateful.

Yom Huledet Same'ach

Baby!

My roommates txt'd me at 6:16am.

"Miracle baby...she is soooo beautiful. Jenn got a cecerian. She is fine. Sky is 7.93lb we are at the hospital where Jenn will be fore next 4 days to recover"

Happy Birthday to you

Today is her birthday.

"I hope I'm not freaking you out but I missed you and I can't wait to see you. Your smile makes me forget everything else"

"Im not freaking out... Im happy"

So am I. This is the best birthday present I received, on anyone's birthday.

If Tomorrow Never Comes

Late night web surfing brought me to see Kevin Skinner on America's got talent.

While I watched this incredible performance, I experienced a clear deja vu moment. There are tons of explanations for how/why this happens, but that's not what drove me to write this down.

What drove me to write was the song he sang. I had not heard of the song before although I would only admit anonymously that I enjoy Garth Brooks.

Here are the lyrics:

Sometimes late at night

I lie awake and watch her sleeping

Shes lost in peaceful dreams

So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark

And the thought crosses my mind

If I never wake up in the morning

Would she ever doubt the way I feel

About her in my heart

If tomorrow never comes

Will she know how much I loved her

Did I try in every way to show her every day

That shes my only one

And if my time on earth were through

And she must face the world without me

Is the love I gave her in the past

Gonna be enough to last

If tomorrow never comes

cause Ive lost loved ones in my life

Who never knew how much I loved them

Now I live with the regret

That my true feelings for them never were revealed

So I made a promise to myself

To say each day how much she means to me

And avoid that circumstance

Where theres no second chance to tell her how I feel

These lyrics hits home for me in a very special way. Of course the words and feelings expressed are universal. But I live these words every day.

The thought of tomorrow never arriving for me is a reality. My life is rather delicate. On May 22, 2007 I nearly lost it. I am alive today but for how long? I'm 37, far from old for the average person. But I'm not average.

I want to tell her my true feelings, but if I do, I will lose her. There are no second chances, but I don't know if I will ever get my first.

I already forget how I used to feel about you

Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind

I'm about to watch this movie on Netflix. The summary intrigued me. It asks the question if the initial attraction between two people are circumstantial or is it repeatable. If you haven't seen the movie, it is about two people who decided to erase the memory of each other after their relationship ends. They meet again, and you can guess what happens.

Although the ending is predictable, it remains an interesting question. I don't really know her situation, but I just got out of a bad relationship. Are my feeling due to my circumstance? I like to think not. I feel something deeper.

I wish there is a procedure out there to erase memory. If she leaves me, I will want to completely forget her and for her to completely forget me. Then by some miracle, we would meet again.

iXL thanks for all the fish

Craigslist wannabe ixl hooked me up with a person to trade language
lessons. I'll forgive them for not wanting to hire me.

Spoke to Bernie my new language partner. Sounds like an older
gentleman who has lived in Israel.

I'm psyched!

Sent from my iPhone

Don't make me freak out

Look at my tiny umbrella! Look at these ugly shoes! I'm late for my rendezvous with a beautiful lady, I hope she likes my pants.

"I miss you." Lean to the left.

"I don't want to be yours." Lean to the right.

"I thought about you all day." Left again.

"I'm freaking out!" Arms out-stretched, struggling for balance.

"But I really like you." Regained composure.

I balance on a thin line between desire and being pushed away, all the while tiptoeing to the end of the line. The line is short and yet I have no idea what it's secured to. I do three shows a day for an audience of one. Sometimes she laughs, sometimes she cries, sometimes she doesn't say a word and I'm too afraid to look down.

Why do I do it day after day? Because nothing is more exciting, nothing is more rewarding, and I can't turn back now. I need to see what awaits at the end of this journey.

Still high

She thinks about me... she's confused... I live to fight another day.